I (Adriana) have always struggled with panic attacks, anxiety and dark times..
This is the first time really speaking about it publicly.
But I want to share this because there’s so many more people around you that are going through those kinds of things and you wouldn’t even know.
Some people are better at hiding it than others. So you might not think that someone who seems to have a positive mindset or always a smile on their face is going through tough times. But yes they do.
I still have to work on myself everyday, I still have anxiety, but I learned how to live with it.
I started to have dark thoughts around the age of maybe 12. A year before that my uncle had passed suddenly and he was like a father role to me, so it hit me hard and causes a lot of pain still. I also got my period which is the start of a big change in a woman’s body. I guess all that together might have played a role.
The good thing is I opened up about it to my parents and we were looking for the cause. Of course it was overwhelming for my parents too, because not a lot of 12 year old kids are going through time like that. Or at least that’s what I thought. “Im not normal” “why me?” “Can’t I just be like everyone else?”
I often couldn’t sleep any minute of the night, my parents had to stay awake to watch movies with me that would distract me. My body was shaking often and it scared me because I didn’t know why. I just knew I didn’t feel comfortable in the dark. During the day it was okay but during the night everything changed. All of a sudden the dark place is not only in your head but also around you. I always had more problems in winter.
I’m sure you can relate to this right now, when I’m saying that there’s something right about the “winter depression”. Feeling like you don’t want to do anything, demotivated. To be honest with you I had times I didn’t even want to get out of bed, had anxiety already just thinking about work, I sometimes didn’t even want to take a shower. The way to the bathroom just seemed too long.
Trough my teenager time homeopathy helped me a lot and actually brought me out of a lot of situations where I thought there’s no way out.
I’m a person who tends to overthink everything, also I’m a cancer and I am very very sensitive.
Things which seem to be nothing for others are turning my world of emotions upside down. Like fights with loved ones, confrontations are literally scaring me, goodbyes, decision making, quick big changes in life without time for me to adapt.
When I got older I understood more and more how to deal with my dark times.
When I was older, maybe around the age of 21, so actually just 5 years ago I looked myself for a therapist to talk about things. Just get everything out of my head and to understand things that I hadn’t until then.
Every day I understand more my body, how my body and mind are connected. That sometimes it’s normal to be in a dark place and that I shouldn’t judge myself for it. It’s okay to cry also, in fact it helps me personally. And to talk about it with a person that you trust, that you don’t have to be afraid to be judged by.
That helped me a lot.
But of course this is just my experience and my story and I’m sure that a lot of you can relate. I’m just telling you this to encourage you to talk about things and feelings and to not push them more and more away, cause one day you’re gonna be confronted with them.
I hope that by sharing my story it helped you to open up also. Not a lot of people know about what I just told you. Of course that’s gonna change now but if I can only help one person, then it’s all worth it.
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